Josie is the Opposite of Hallelujah

Here’s something i wrote for the magazine because i was bored and am an annoying Seventeen Magazine writer try-hard. HAH,

not.

Somewhere in between trying the 4 hours it took to write this, it finally dawned on me why sensationalized tabloids and girly magazine are the scum of the literary world. It’s trivial, it’s flippant and it’s downright disgusting. How can someone who writes  about “2008 Make-up Must Haves” look themselves in the mirror in the morning while the rest of the world is wrecked with racially charged turmoil? It’s simply unfathomable. Maybe some Karl lagerfeld & Oscar de la Renta hides away the shame.  

Ugh. what did I get myself into.

Read it anyway because I’m too busy in the day churning out articles on ecotourism for publishing that makes me want to loathe myself to bother about wordpress for a while. Hope you cool kitties are well.

Admit it, even the most style-savvy among us struggle to find the right attire to wear on the correct occasion. Here is a two-part guide from a wishful fashionista to dressing well that promises to not make your parent go “tut-tut” or your friends walk five feet ahead and pretend to not know you.

As much as we strive to perfect that Kate Moss heroin-glam, James Dean urban-cowboy slick back or Nicole Richie’s effortless street chic, most of our attempts fall miserably short. Either we’re not six feet tall with a size two body, or our pockets aren’t deep enough to fork out that extra two hundred dollars for a plain tee with Comme des Garçons emblazoned on the top. But I get it, it’s only too easy to flip open one of the many trendy magazines and be influenced by stick-thin celebrity icons and their haute couture (high fashion and custom fitted) gowns that probably cost just slightly above my annual income.

Now, I’m not lambasting high fashion labels just because I’m poor and bitter. There’s nothing wrong with expensive bags or shoes because you don’t want to find your wardrobe just full of cheap rubbish. But I’m here to tell you that you need not blow your month’s pay check on clothes you’d only wear once. We’ll start from the very beginning.

1.Dress According to your Size

Nothing is more a sight for sore eyes than people wearing clothes that don’t fit them. The wrong pair of jeans can make your love handle spillage look worse than the Exxon Valdez disaster. And if you think muffin top plus-sized people are the worst offenders in this category, you’re wrong. Sure skinny people don’t have to worry about awkward bulges and lumps, but take a leaf out of Mary Kate Olsen’s book: drape yourselves in layers and layers of fabric and you’d look like a shrunken hunched up troll.

For the men, you aren’t Soulja Boy or some other rock star rapper from the Bronx, so stop wearing XXXL tees when you could probably fit into an M. If you want to look bigger, go to the gym.

2. Don’t be a Sucker to Trends

Last year’s it trend of ultra-high waistlines got almost everyone looking like they had tummies, and I’m pretty sure “two-terms-into-my-pregnancy” wasn’t in style. These days, all anyone is sporting is skinny jeans, which I admit done wonders for the behind (Sir Mix-a-Lot would be pleased) but if your body type isn’t anything but straight and narrow, makes your hips look as big as a barn. And, enough with the waist coats and leggings – Ring, ring, the 80’s called and they want all their clothes back.

My point is, these fashions come and go. If you’d rather look up-to-date, stick with minimal pieces you can re-use when the fad dies out. Wearing trends past their season is tackier than Lindsay Lohan’s acting in all her movies after The Parent Trap.

3. Basics are your Best Friend

If you can’t afford to continually update your wardrobe, at least buy basic items that you can dress up or down with accessories or subtle layering. Think along the lines of plain short-sleeve style, solid color t shirts or a medium rinse pair of jeans. Try to avoid anything bejeweled, overly printed or with slogans. Most of them aren’t long lasting and you really want to avoid wearing that “I Heart My Girlfriend/Boyfriend” t-shirt if things don’t work out.

Be careful when accessorizing though. Less is always more. Do as Coco Chanel says, look into the mirror before you leave the house and take off some if you have a dozen already dripping from your ears, neck and arms. Yes, this advice applies to both genders.

4. Thrift It

Try the Salvation Army if you don’t mind giving older clothes a second spin. You might have to do some hunting but it’s a price to pay for good bargains. Don’t underestimate the secrets your neighborhood shops or warehouse fashion retailers might keep. Dismissing places just because your parents get their clothes there is a bad idea. Worst case scenario, you don’t find anything; best case scenario, you find something and they put it in their pile of clothes at the take-out counter and pay the bill for you.

Your last resort at freshening up your wardrobe without spending any money – raid someone else’s wardrobe. Your grandparents might have something in there you could pass off as vintage.

5. Dress for the right occasion

One of my biggest fashion peeves: denim under almost any circumstances is not formal. Neither is wearing a t-shirt under a blazer, you hear that boys? Your clothes don’t have to be budget-breaking; they only have to look the part. When in doubt, it’s better to dress up.

Pairing the right shoes and bag is also equally important. I was taught to match my bag or belt with my shoes but you don’t always have to. Just make sure you don’t commit a giant faux pas like carrying a casual sling or back pack to a black-tie ball. Last piece of advice for the girls – anything that shimmers, glitters or catches the light is usually reserved for partying at night. Going into the office looking like an over-sized disco ball warrants taunting from everyone.

At the end of the day, you might want to ignore all guidelines you’ve heard because fashion is really meant to be kept fun. Experiment, don’t take it too seriously but just be careful about looking like a trend train wreck. You know how you look at your parents in old washed out photographs and laugh at how they look with their weird hair and silly clothes? You don’t want to be the next one.