Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: my poetic re-telling of an unfortunate seduction
This will be the last post of 2009. I sent this to my Other Disaster way back when. For your amusement only, because sharing is caring, among other therapeutic things:
Dear Ramesh,
A letter, how terrifically cliche, but I couldn’t resist adding one more notch under your ‘insignificant girls I’ve spent my time with’ belt. By the time you read this, we’d have parted ways, a little more permanently this time instead. I spent the entire evening yesterday sifting through my blog entries starting right from our first encounter – all embarrassingly smitten kitten, those ‘emotionally unavailable’ dramatics (I reckon that’s going to be my painful catch phrase of 2009), right up to the end – quite an entertaining roller coaster of feelings you’ve put me through, bravo!
I believe it came to a point where I wasn’t even sure if I was attracted to you. But we had so much fun together when everything was peachy keen and lovely; the coffee breaks, our little getaway trips together, waking up next to you on the weekend, the trivial movies we would watch in your bed. I don’t know if you’ll ever realize how happy I was with you, even if I knew those times were fleeting.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine how lucky I was to have found you. But I guess you were too wrapped up in your unresolved issues of the past to see what was going on in front of you.
And I am sorry for that. Probably my only regret. That I couldn’t be the one you wanted to spend every waking moment with.
That I couldn’t be the one that kept your spark going.
That the only thing I provided you was just a mildly entertaining way to escape.
I’m going to take a really big leap off my ego trip and tell you now that I really did think I might have loved you.
Just a moment when I looked over at you and thought to myself, “I can see myself doing this with you forever” and forever is such a big word to use.
And I probably still do.
In a really, really big pretend to listen to your stories over again, let you have the last bite of my ice cream, Beg my friends to like you, don’t care about your skin, or hair, or clothes, unfortunate way which makes me want to hate you.
So much of me wants to say, pick me, choose me, love me, because I want to be there for you. But I’m not stupid, I know I’m just another girl momentarily decorating your blank canvas that you’d eventually cast away.
. And I want to tell you this.
In a way that you’ll never doubt it:
Simon Sebastian, you are a completely remarkable person.
You are magical and wonderful and you have changed my life. I have never met anyone quite as amazing and beautiful as you.
Be kind to yourself. Take a deep breath, pick yourself up from the ground and move on. Learn to let go. Stop searching for happiness because it’s right next to you.
I want to rewind time and hit pause but I have to start getting used to being alone again. I don’t want to meet you for coffee because it’s so hard to pretend everything is fine.
Because I know you won’t think of me the same way I think about you. And I don’t want to live my life with a wishful longing for memories of the past as if things would be the same again.
You tell me that you don’t want to lose me, but it doesn’t seem like you want to keep me either. “Do you want to be with me” only has two response, yes or no, and we both know the answer to that. I hope the next person you meet will be just as happy as I was with you, and five years older.
Thank you for adding a chapter in my life. I’ll send you a copy of my paperback when it gets published.
xoxo,
Girl on your kitchen floor
Filed under: Uncategorized
I’m still alive.
This blog will undergo some changes in anticipation of the new year.
See you on the other side guys.
Filed under: Life
I was at a Kurt Vonnegut talk in New York a few years ago. Talking about writing, life, and everything.
He explained why people have such a need for drama in their life.
He said, “People have been hearing fantastic stories since time began. The problem is, they think life is supposed to be like the stories. Let’s look at a few examples.”
He drew an empty grid on the board, like this:
Time moves from left to right. Happiness from bottom to top.
He said, “Let’s look at a very common story arc. The story of Cinderella.”
It starts with her awful life with evil stepsisters, scrubbing the fireplace. Then she get an invitation to the ball! Things look up. Then the fairy godmother makes her a dress and a coach. Even better! Then she goes to the ball, and dances with the prince! This is great! But then it’s midnight. She has to go. Oh no. Sadness. Back to her humdrum life scrubbing the fireplace. But it’s not as bad as before, because she’s had this encouraging experience. Then, the prince finds her, and the happiness factor is off the chart! Happily ever after.
“People LOVE that story! This story arc has been written a thousand times in a thousand tales. And because of it, people think their lives are supposed to be like this.”
He wiped the board clean and said, “Now let’s look at another popular story arc: the disaster.”
It’s an ordinary day in an ordinary town. But something horrible happens! A child falls down a well! The whole town gathers to save her. Old grudges surface, but are belittled in the light of this tragedy. Rifts are bonded as people work together. The child is saved, and all is well. But notice it’s a little better than it was before, now that this incident has brought them all closer together.
“People LOVE that story! This story arc has been written a thousand times in a thousand tales. And because of it, people think their lives are supposed to be like this.”
But the problem is, life is really like this…
Our lives drifts along with normal things happening. Some ups, some downs, but nothing to go down in history about. Nothing so fantastic or terrible that it’ll be told for a thousand years.
“But because we grew up surrounded by big dramatic story arcs in books and movies, we think are lives are supposed to be filled with huge ups and downs! So people pretend there is drama where there is none.”
That’s why people invent fights. That’s why we’re drawn to sports. That’s why we act like everything that happens to us is such a big deal.
We’re trying to make our life into a fairy tale.
(via http://sivers.org/drama)
Filed under: Life, The Unexplainable Things that Seem to Only Occur to Me
Just in case you’re concerned that I’ve gone all Hello Kitty on everyone – I’ll be fine. I’ve just decided it’s time to socially hibernate and crawl under a rock once again.
I really don’t feel like I’m in any mood beyond occasional interweb-speaking – especially not for getting inebriated and engaging in petty small talk. I’ll just be home reading and writing, spending too much time on the internet and watching too much telly, and possibly coming up with some sort of unrealistic 6 month goal of getting my life back on track e.g. finding myself through sobriety, vegetarianism and other fluffy overly-idealistic actions.
The good news is I’d probably go a little crazy with the online updates.
Don’t worry, it’s a yearly ritual I’ve gone through ever since I turned twelve (that’s right, last month) The kids will be alright.
Filed under: The Unexplainable Things that Seem to Only Occur to Me | Tags: a poetic retelling of my unfortunate seduction, emotions and other disasters
“I am going to give you a piece of advice…advice I wish I’d been told in guidance class back in high school, in between the don’t-do-acid and don’t-drink-and-drive films. I wish our counselors had told us, ‘When you grow older a dreadful, horrible sensation will come over you. It’s called loneliness, and you think you know what it is now, but you don’t. Here is the list of the symptoms, and don’t worry—loneliness is the most universal sensation on the planet. Just remember one fact—loneliness will pass. You will survive and you will be a better human for it.”
Words of wisdom from The Coup.
Filed under: The Unexplainable Things that Seem to Only Occur to Me | Tags: a poetic retelling of my unfortunate seduction
And the bitter loneliness creeps up behind me again.
I haven’t thought about you in a while, mostly because there really are people more special than you are. Still, I had an entire list of things to display but your bastardly ways don’t warrant any repeats of words I’ve already said. I know what some of you are going to say, “21 years of your life, Josie. You haven’t seen nothing yet.”
What happened – where did things go terribly wrong. Did I make a wrong turn somewhere. Did I ask for too much. Was it too demanding to just have someone special to do nothing with every day.
Oh god, everything, EVERYTHING I ever did for you was in vain.
I can’t say this at all for any of the other relationships I’ve been in but I was far too good for you and you didn’t deserve better.
Fuck, I need to stop being attracted to unreliable, unemotional nutcases. Sorry if all y’all make me feel better about being bat shit crazy.
Excuse my failed attempts at sounding like a tortured soul, please don’t discriminate.
Filed under: The Unexplainable Things that Seem to Only Occur to Me | Tags: bah humbug
Ok, Jack Donaghy says Shut it Down.
My night cycle has completely gone off course and my sleep is currently being held ransom by the televisual brilliance of 30 Rock.
Evening time schedules have been reduced to: getting home from the office, a meal or some sort of poor dietary equivalent (I had champagne and strawberries for dinner today because I wanted to), and then a marathon of television consisting of episodes I’d already seen. American TV is ruining my life.
Sorry for the banal updates – I’ve been rather brain dead, this electro music I’ve been listening to is drilling a hole at the back of my head.
Filed under: The Unexplainable Things that Seem to Only Occur to Me | Tags: how vague can i be and still entice you
There is no better inspiration for writing than that which is eleventh houred or narcotics and alcohol fueled. Not to say that this post was written under the influence of either (maybe the slightest bit of the far latter)
As far as developments of my life go, I have been doing rather peachy. Good riddance to bad rubbish – I am far from bitter about it really: you win some, you lose some, sometimes karma is a bitch.
It has also come to my attention that too many people read this blog (from comments I’ve recieved in person recently) for me to delve too deeply into some details – big brother is watching again. If you were meant to know, I would have probably told you already. I sure know how to pick them.
The subject of my age has also been quite a glaring factor of late. How infuriating. I am going to maintain the fact that I have an old soul as well as put ‘maturity’ into a relative. Alphaville said it best really.
So much secrecy, quite unbecoming of me. I would spill the beans but wouldn’t it just be more enjoyable being cryptic? How vague can I be and still entice you.
Good game, buddy.
Filed under: Uncategorized
If you’re wondering about the other disaster and I, we are done. That is all.
Tim Gunn would say Carry On and I would agree.
